mtd opinions: Jay Roach Is One Lucky Mofo!

I’m writing this article to shed light on Jay Roach and how incredibly lucky this mofo is. If I could pull a body-snatch job on anybody, and be his pod people copy, I would choose this guy. And here are 5 reasons why…

Reason 1: His name is Roach. For a lot of people this might have been a huge stigma. I, for one, might have developed a strange curiosity with my namesake, picking up the little creatures and staring at them for hours on end. I wasn’t even thinking of the drug connotation. Just pretty much the insect thing. Other Roaches that have managed to overcome the roach stigma and do something with their lives; Max Roach, legendary jazz drummer; Papa Roach, angry rock band; Cockroach, from the Cosby Show; and mtd’s favorite roach, Roachford, a really cool rock group from the 80’s.

Reason 2: He gets to have the peachy occupation of Hollywood director and work with the likes of comedy genius, Mike Myers. Now, what exactly would this require? I mean, all you do is sit back and let Austin Powers be brilliant. Is there any wonder why Charlie Chaplin directed his own movies? He didn’t need anyone telling him what to do. And so, I consider that mofo very lucky to get a chance to ride Mike Myers’ coattails into the class of Hollywood Elite.

Reason 3: He gets to be rich and famous. This one is sort of subsequent to reason 2. Now there are lots of rich and famous people, sure. And some even deserve it, like maybe brilliant actors like Jack Nicholson or sports legends like Michael Jordan. And then there are the huge flock of famous idgets that just happen to be famous out of nepotism like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie or pure luck like pretty much any reality show “star” like this idiotic John and Kate couple. I would put this mofo in the latter group- just plain lucky!

Reason 4: This guy actually managed to land Susannah Hoffs! If you don’t remember who she is or don’t know, then let me remind you, she is that incredibly cute and sexy singer from the 80’s group, The Bangles. I want her! Why does this dumb-butt get to have Susannah? What is wrong with this world? Why can’t she wade through his mofo bull-crap and see him for what he is? Just one lucky mofo!

Reason 5: Perhaps I didn’t explain myself clearly enough. That lucky mofo can have reasons 1 through 3. Screw all that other stuff. It turns out the only real reason why I think this mofo is one lucky mofo and I would wanna body-snatch him is because this bazinga head actually got to marry SUSANNAH HOFFS!

Some backstory might be necessary…In 1985 or so, when I was about 11 years old, I was madly and head over heals, completely ga-ga in love with this girl. I was mesmerized whenever she graced the TV in the “Walk Like An Egyptian” or “Eternal Flame” videos. Thank god this was before the internet. Otherwise, I would have spent all day and all night looking at her videos on Youtube. In the 80’s, your resources were limited. In so much that I even joined The Bangles’ fan club. I remember, on one occasion, I was filled with some sort of teenage something and I actually got the nerve to write the fan club a letter asking in the most discreet fashion if they might happen to have any nude photos of Susannah Hoffs and if so, could they, I don’t know, send me one- I can’t think for the life of me why I would ask for such a crazy thing. They said no of course. Instead, they sent me a rare 45 the band cut when they were still called The Bangs. Hardly a substitute, wouldn’t you say? Then I heard Susannah Hoffs was making a movie. I got all excited. It was called The Allnighter . The cover of the VHS tape had SH in a bikini. Me and that cover went steady for a year or so. Too bad the movie is pretty much unwatchable. So Susannah can’t act. I couldn’t see how that would affect our relationship. I couldn’t sing that well. Nor was I ever overly attractive. We all have our faults. I don’t need the perfect girl- just Susannah Hoffs. Yeah, whenever I heard about rumors that SH was hooking up with so and so, like Prince, I just wrote it off as flings. She would come back to me in the end. So what if I was just 15 and she was 30. We were gonna make it work. Years went by and I guess she must have got tired of waiting for me to get big and famous or something, ‘cause she went ahead and broke my heart and married that dingleberry that directed Austin Powers . Who was this guy? And who did he think he was? All I have to say is that guy is one lucky mofo!

I realize this article isn’t exactly the most coherent or focused piece of writing I’ve ever done. I would chalk it up as therapeutic. And for that, I guess I would have to thank you for listening. Bear with me. I’ll try to get a grip before I start another article.

As for you, Jay Roach, don’t fall asleep. Don’t ever fall asleep. If you do, I’ll snatch up your body before you can say “lickity split” and it’ll be me gazing into Susannah Hoffs' eyes from now to eternity. Not you, you lucky mofo!